Apple and Blackberry Rumble

Are you one of the flock? The faithful? The devout???

Have you become penitent before the form of the one true God? Have you read:

(Sources: The Economist, God)

I refer, somewhat mockingly, to the iPad, that frustratingly beautiful, temptingly desirable piece of technology forged by digital satan himself, now in it’s second major iteration (or ‘second coming’ as some wags* have called it.) Do you own one? I know a man who does. He even let me play with it for a bit. It felt good to stroke, very reactive in the hand. It did exciting things at the soft touch of my fingers. I almost didn’t want to let go…

Go on, take a bite...

But let go I did!

All homoerotic japery aside, these are fearsomely gorgeous devices. However, as you’ve probably gathered I’m not the biggest fan of the man depicted above or the insidious evil his fruity empire has wrought upon the digital landscape. Jokes about apples and the Garden of Eden almost write themselves…but just in case they require assistance:

“Eve, darling? There’s a serpent here trying to offer you an Apple.”
“Really? What does he want for it?”
“Only $829 and a piece of your soul.”
“I’LL TAKE SIX!!!”

So you can imagine that I’m not about to enter an Apple store for any reason other than to hurl Molotovs. Which leaves me in a bit of a quandry: Yearning desire for ice-cool tech VS burning hatred of the current market leader. FIGHT!

Outside an Apple store, yesterday

Thankfully the rest of the tech industry seems to be – slowly – overcoming it’s performance anxiety and are hesitantly, almost gingerly, releasing new devices into the market that they hope will tempt people (perhaps rabid Apple-hating people like me?) into their tender embraces.  2011 will see a raft of devices floated in our direction; we have only but to judge for ourselves which is the most seaworthy.

In my case, I’m looking for something that not only slightly outperforms the iPad’s hardware specs – Bluetooth is a must – but also carries just a tiny bit of the same desirability. For once, just for once, I want people to be slightly envious of my device ownership. I want the pleasure of boring people rigid with my fascination for the device, in much the same way I have been pinned into awkward corners by people’s love for iDevices of various shapes and sizes. I want to sit and play with it in my lap, smug in the knowledge that my choice has made me a superior, yes superior, human being, and that lesser mortals shall look upon my blinding glory with nothing but reverence in their shining eyes as my enormous tumescent awesomeness wags proudly before them…

Today, I believe I’ve finally settled on a contender for such an exalted position: The Blackberry Playbook!

Not just for be-suited business types anymore!

Oh, there are others, of course. One of my first great hopes, the Motorola Xoom, is due out March 25th but by all accounts is being released slightly part-baked. PART-BAKED = NO. Some of the other contenders look good, I suppose, but all seem to be months away…in whole other seasons, even. (‘Quarters’, if you’re a business-minded American. Hello!)

Oooooh, SHINY!

The Playbook, however, looks gorgeous and seems to be picking up a fair amount of critical froth from journalists whose antennae are twitching hints that this may be something special.  Not only that but it should be released soon in the UK and savvy pricing estimates seem to be pitching the BB PB (My new pet name for it) at a level slightly under that of the almighty iTablet. AND it has my precious Bluetooth! I grok WIN!

But please don’t take my word for it, oh no! Here’s the Blackberry’s special sales website to help get you in the mood. 🙂 And some talky video blah featuring an annoying, over-opinionated American:

And another demo, this time led by Julian Dolce, RIM corpoate demo-monkey:

Tacit admission: I’m titillated by the word ‘Bezel’.

Suck it, Jobs. Getcher scrawny ass outta heah: yoo ain’t welcome no mo’.

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*The people who coined that are no-doubt smug, pony-tailed Apple fanatics. I’m having them tracked down for summary execution.

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